Failed!

I failed my daughter yesterday. I have done it before and promised I would never do it again...yet I have. I am making this public declaration of failure as a reminder to myself. Ellie is on a gluten free diet. We went to the farm yesterday and worked, it was an unexpected work day so I didn't have a meal planned. Hunger got the best of me and since we didn't have a lot of time before church we just got pizza. I normally order a gluten free pizza for Ellie and I but she asked for a regular pizza. Normally I would have just said no but I was at that "hangry" stage were I was not in the mood to eat pizza toppings on a cracker crust and so with barely any coaxing from Ellie I caved. I got the gluten filled pizza...it was SO good. In my devotional last week it talked about how when you do something that you know is wrong you are a fool. I knew eating the pizza (and feeding it to Ellie) was wrong but I let my emotions control me instead of my common sense. And since food is my weakest thing, I willingly gave in. I was a fool, a willing fool. Willingly which means "eagerly compliant" I was eagerly ready to eat what I knew would make me sick and cranky to my children, the children that I prayed for, begged for and was blessed with. I was eagerly ready to feed my child gluten which is like poisin to her brain. Really I am not exaggerating, it is toxic to her, it changes her attitude, her coping skills, her ability to be a normal person. I eagerly fed it to her, eagerly fed her poisin in the form of gluten. Today 24 hours later as she does her homework and struggles because of the "brain fog" and has an extreme fit on the floor. She kicks and screams and makes grunting noises that I haven't heard from her in a long time. I have been cooking from scratch and she has been getting no artificial junk or chemicals in her food because I am making it all and not feeding her processed junk. So not only was the gluten bad for her but all of the additives and chemicals that are in processed food. Tonight I sit at home not liking her much because of the beast she turns into I realize that it is all my fault and I have failed her. That may sound heavy to call her a beast but it is true and you may think that me saying I failed her is a bit drama but it is all true. She is a beautiful girl with a big heart and as her mom it is my job to protect her and take care of her and I failed. So to make sure that I never forget what it is like when she has gluten, here is my confession. So what I would say to myself if I should read this in a time I am tempted to cheat with gluten and in turn she would cheat too is "You are setting her up for failure and failing her by not protecting her from things that will harm her, you will regret it and beat yourself up for it." I love you Ellie and I am sorry for not being strong for you when you needed me. And now to be the change I want to see.